I’m Learning That You Can Be Ambitious and Still Want a Soft Life

One word that has probably described me for most of my life: ambitious.

I like accomplishing things. I like having goals. I like building things, solving problems, being good at what I do and then, naturally, immediately wondering how I can do it better. “Good enough” has never exactly been my favorite phrase.

But there is another side of me that wants a completely different kind of life.

She wants to cook dinner without checking the clock. She wants to sit outside with a book. She wants long lunches, weekend trips, game nights with friends, hosting people at our house, making something with her hands and generally living a life that feels a little slower and a lot more tangible.

And honestly, I think those two versions of me have been arguing for years...

There is the ambitious one sitting on one shoulder saying, You need to do more. Go bigger. Push harder. Don’t fall behind.

And then there is the other one saying, Girl. Sit down. You are allowed to touch grass.

It is a constant push and pull.

I also probably don’t make this any easier on myself... I’m an Enneagram 7, which means I have a natural talent for finding the fun, the possibility and the silver lining in almost everything. It’s one of my favorite things about myself, but it also means I can be really good at running away from the uncomfortable stuff.

Scary? Let’s focus on something exciting.

Hard? Let’s make a new plan.

Uncertain? Maybe we should book a trip.

Feeling overwhelmed? Surely a vacation will fix this.

And then there’s the fact that I’m a Sagittarius, so apparently even the concept of a routine can feel slightly threatening to my personal freedom... Ask me to create a healthy daily routine and suddenly I’m like, But what if I want to wake up one morning and spontaneously drive somewhere?

This is probably why I am much better at dreaming about a slow life than actually living one.

Because slowing down sounds wonderful in theory… until I have a million things I want to accomplish.

I want the garden, but I also want the career.

I want the long lunch, but I also want to get the project done.

I want the quiet Saturday, but I also want to go somewhere I’ve never been.

I want to read the book, but I also want to clean the house, plan the trip, make dinner, answer the emails and somehow become the kind of person who makes homemade pasta on a Tuesday.

My brain does not understand the concept of just one thing. And lately, I've also wondered if there is a little more to all this... My sister was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and let's just say... it has made me look at myself a little differently. I'm not diagnosing myself through a blog post, but there have definitely been moments where I've thought, well... that would explain some things.

The constant need for something new. The million ideas. The excitement of starting something new. The difficulty slowing down. The questionable relationship I have with routines. My general belief that if I’m bored, something has probably gone terribly wrong. Maybe it’s my Enneagram 7... Maybe it’s being a Sagittarius who views routine as a personal attack... Maybe it’s ADHD.

Maybe it’s just… me?

Either way, I think I’ve spent a lot of my life assuming that if I could just become more disciplined, more organized, more productive or better at managing my time, I’d finally figure out how to make all of these different parts of myself work together.

And maybe the answer isn’t fixing myself, but maybe it’s understanding myself a little better.

For a long time, I think I treated slowing down like something I had to earn.

Finish the project, then rest.

Hit the goal, then take the trip.

Get everything done, then take a day off.

Except there is always another project. Another goal. Another email. Another thing that could be done. And if I keep waiting until everything is finished to slow down, I am pretty sure I will be approximately 87 years old before I sit down.

The last few years have also made me think about this differently... My body has, on several occasions, basically filed a formal complaint.

When it wasn’t my ankle, it was my wrist. When it wasn’t my wrist, I was sick. At this point, my friends has suggested I live in a bubble, and honestly, I am starting to think they may have a point.

But instead of listening to my body, my first instinct has usually been to figure out how I can keep going.

How quickly can I get better?

How can I work around this?

What can I still do?

How do I get back to normal?

And maybe that’s the part I need to change. Maybe everything doesn’t have to be something I push through. Maybe sometimes the answer really is just… stop. Take the day. Take the week. Rest.

You know... Let myself recover without turning it into another "productivity" guilt challenge.

Because I know myself. If I don’t consciously create space to slow down, I will fill every available inch of my life with something. Work. Plans. Trips. Projects. Goals. Dinner with friends. Home projects. Somewhere to go. Something to do.

And while I genuinely love all of those things, I don’t want to confuse a full life with a life that never stops. That distinction has been sitting with me lately. And then, completely by coincidence, I had lunch today with a colleague and friend who just turned 40. We started talking about life, getting older and the lessons that come with it. He told me that one of his biggest lessons right now is learning to slow down and appreciate the life he’s already built.

His career. His family. His relationships. His home. His garden, so to speak.

And something about that really stuck with me. Because isn’t that what we are all doing?

We’re building these lives. We’re working toward something. We’re chasing the next promotion, the next house, the next trip, the next goal, the next version of ourselves. But sometimes we’re so busy tending to the garden that we forget to actually sit in it and smell the roses.

And I think that is the happy medium I’m trying to find... I don’t want to stop being ambitious. I don’t want to stop dreaming or working hard or setting goals or wanting more out of life. That part of me isn’t going anywhere, and honestly, I don’t want her to.

But I also don’t want ambition to become the lens through which I measure my entire life.

I want to build a career I’m proud of and still have time to cook dinner.

I want big goals and long lunches.

I want to work hard and take the weekend off without feeling guilty.

I want to travel the world and also really love being home.

I want to keep growing and actually stop long enough to notice that I’ve grown.

Maybe the goal isn’t choosing between grinding and a soft life. Maybe it’s learning when to grind… and when to sit in the garden? Because there will always be something else to accomplish. There will always be another email. There will always be another goal. There will always be another version of me I could become.

But the life I’m living right now is also happening while I’m busy planning the next one.

And I actually don’t want to miss it...

So maybe, for this Enneagram 7 Sagittarius who thinks routines are suspicious, whose brain may or may not have a little extra going on, and who has spent most of her life looking for the next exciting thing, the lesson is learning that slowing down doesn’t mean I’m falling behind.

It might actually mean I’m finally paying attention.

And honestly… I think that’s a pretty good place to start. BRB smelling the roses,

-CC